Top 10 Weirdest Things Encountered at Work

I don't usually write about such mundane things as work. Usually, I write about meeting cool people at the tops of mountains, flat tire mishaps or mail truck hitchhiking. But the thing about adventure is that it happens when and where you least expect it. I have to say, I've had a fair dose of adventure smack-dab in the middle of my work day on more than one occasion.

Office wardrobe malfunctions and other natural disasters

1. There was that time when I wore a swimsuit under my blazer to a client meeting and a piece of my shoe fell off...Um, it is kind of a long story.



2. Then there was the time when I tried to staple my skirt back together. I wore this adorable pencil skirt that had been a hand-me-down from my mom. She was so excited that her daughter wanted to wear her clothes. I was pleased to have something both cute and free to wear...Until I found myself standing around the water cooler (literally) in the office kitchen with a guy who would later become my boss. A puddle of water caused me to slip. Fortunately, I caught myself from falling. But not without ripping the slit up the back of my skirt to places where the sun is most definitely not meant to shine at work. There was an audible noise from the split, which caused my future boss to stare at me for a moment before awkwardly excusing himself from the kitchen. Hoping that my coworkers would be absorbed in their instant message chat sessions and other distractions way more interesting than me, I shimmied along, trying to face my backside toward various office and cubicle walls until I reached the restroom to assess the damage. It was bad. I enlisted the help of an unsuspecting female coworker to source supplies on my behalf. Unfortunately, we were unable to obtain a sewing kit or even a few handy safety pins. So we settled on a stapler to do the job. But alas, office supplies not withstanding, the popular business wisdom that it is important to "CYA" became a little too real for comfort that day. If I may offer advice from personal experience, one should never ever insert sharp metal objects (such as staples) into any garment which is likely to come into contact with body parts used for sitting down.

3. I have another piece of handy wisdom about San Francisco/Silicon Valley professionalism that I will share with you now: if you find yourself in this part of the world in a technology-related line of work, there is a good chance that you will encounter a slide. Yes, a slide. The loopy, colorful kind you had at the playground when you were a kid. Stairs are so passe. They have one of these slides at the SF Google office for those not inclined to walk from the second to first floor. The thing you need to understand about office slides is that they should not be operated while wearing a skirt. There is a such thing as ass slide burn. It is an occupational hazard to be avoided...Especially right before a 3 hour meeting in which all attending parties are expected to sit on aforementioned slide-burned body parts.

4. Another thing about working in San Francisco is that earthquakes happen. In fact, while presenting some data on a client call to folks in Florida, an earthquake happened. You could tell the locals from the transplants because the locals just sat there and kept working. The transplants stood up looking freaked out. The Floridians on the call loved my narration of the excitement!

WFH Accidentally WFWR (Working from Wildlife Refuge)

5. I saw a bear during a client call. He must have thought my presentation was so good that he wandered into the yard to hear it. 

Later, A buck with antlers was just kind of standing there. Shortly thereafter, a wild bunny hopped by and I possibly saw a salamander scurry into the bushes. 

This photo was taken near where I saw the buck, but on a different day. The buck I saw in this story was much bigger with more impressive headgear.

In the same day, I also witnessed thunder, lightning, hail, 97 degrees with blue skies, and a brief power outage.

Oh yeah, and this all happened in the suburbs where I spent 12 hours of my day inside on a work-binge in front of my computer. I didn't even leave the house except to go on a brief walk. And by "I didn't leave the house" I mean that at 8 pm I looked down and realized my pajama shorts (which I was still wearing at 8 pm) were on backwards.

6. While attending a corporate employee orientation in Scottsdale Arizona, I decided to get up early before the training sessions to get in a quick run. I was staying in one of those blocks of resort hotels in the middle of the dessert. Also, a scraggly Wile E Coyote had taken up residence there and creepily decided to follow me along on my jog. You better believe that I ran right back to my room and plastic key-carded my way to air conditioned coyote-free safety.

Encounters in the wide, weird world of retail customer service

7. "My husband here (*gestures to husband standing next to her) is having issues with erectile dysfunction. Can you walk us through the differences is bike seats and help us to understand our options?"

8. "Excuse me, can I help you sir?"...And then she turned around.

9. When a guy walked into the store looking very much like Gollum's long-lost twin brother, my weirdness radar went off. He was hunched over, balding, skinny, and scabbed over in many places. The thing I remember most about him was how the flesh on his arms appeared to have disintegrated, leaving just the skin-covered bone visible in places. An obvious heroine addict, I called security-- just in case. After an hour of tailing, they cuffed him for stealing a Luna bar. I bet that was the most expensive $0.99 he ever stole.

10. When you work for a company that has a 100% satisfaction guaranteed policy, you are bound to get a few returns of used dirty underwear every now and then. But my favorite obscene return story was from a guy who wanted to return his sleeping bag because it "developed a strange odor" and by strange odor what he meant is that it smelled like pee.

Yep, my work life is totally normal. People experience stuff like this all the time, right? No big deal.